The Journal of Hiei
by LeavesofMyself
Summary: With some things lost, some things are gained but sometimes, those things gained come with an even greater price. Contains: yaoi, mpreg, angst, etc.
1. Important Alert

**SingMyLullabySweet666:** This is an author's note to all reviewers of this story. All chapters are being taken down and revised due to some complaints and such. I have found it my duty to please all of my readers, so therefore, I have decided to revised the whole story to fit more into what all want.

The story may still contain mpreg but it is undecided at this moment. The characters will not change, however, they would me revised to fit more of their personality. Each character will hold all or most of their original traits given to them by their original creators.

The plot will be more explained and go through a series of changes before I see it fit to post. It will go into more depth of what has, will, and is happening at the moment or any other time in the story. It will be carefully laid out and it will flow from chapter to chapter as to make it easier for the reviewer to read and understand.

I know that most of those have reviewed this story likes it, but I shall agree with those who have reviewed and critique it the way I would like it critiqued. I was young when I started this story and now I am older and I feel that I am a better writer. So it is only true that I feel that I should give100 percent effort in every chapter.

I would like to thank **Suicide Angel 911,** **Dr. Movie, FekketC, **and **Sironel** for reviewing on a high level of constructive criticism that I much appreciate. It was you four that made me realize that I was not giving my all in this story. I know that FekketC and I had a minor problem as to where I was entirely at fault, being too young and stupid then to realize what she was really trying to say. I appreciate the advise given to me. I only ask that FekketC remove the nasty comment I had left on _Space Predator._ I was young and enraged for all the wrong reasons and I apologize once more for doing so.

I would also liked to thank those who enjoyed this story and reviewed as well. I am sorry for doing this to you but it must be done. I hope you all come back and re-review when I have fully finished revising the story. I also hope it is more to your liking.

Other than that, that is all I have to say. Thank you all for being patient and for reading this load of bull. Thank you.

**-SingMyLullabySweet666**


	2. Broken Reality

**SingMyLullabySweet666:** This is the new and improved (hopefully) edition of _The Journal of Hiei._ I'm hoping that I portrayed Hiei as the hardened little cookie he is but with the small touch of sorrow and depression. I'm praying that the new version will satisfy all of the Hiei lovers out there…….

**Chapter Warnings: **Slight angst and slight swearing.

**Chapter Rating: **PG

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the characters that are in this story, nor do I own the show Yu Yu Hakusho, which respectfully belongs to Yoshihiro Togashi

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**Bold **Change of Perspective

_Italic_ Thoughts/Journal Entry/Flashback

Normal Story

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**Broken Reality**

**Normal POV**

The room was dark and cold, the only hint of life was the slowly burning wick of a candle that cast shadows about as if they were stars in the night sky. The room seemed appropriate, almost too so as one by one people entered the forlorn room, tears running in rivulets down their faces. The only sound that was heard throughout the suffocating air was that of mourning hearts. Each bowed before a long coffin of marble black as they paid their final respects. One by one, a single white rose was placed around the sleek casket. Before anyone exited, however, they turned to a small form resting lightly against the back wall, eyes staring emotionless at nothing.

The figure had his back pressed tightly against the wall, knees pulled up to his chest with his hands clinched tightly around a handful of his loose black pants. He seemed as if he didn't care about the mourning souls in front of him, or the fact that the casket sitting to the left of him held his dead lover inside. He just stared coldly out into his audience, showing nothing as they bowed toward him, sorry for his lose.

Hours passed slowly as these acts, this ritual continued and not once did the figure move from his spot. Not once did the figure twitch or take a sudden intake of breath to calm his shaking body. He did nothing but sit there in the evading darkness, lost in his own silent word of mourning. He stayed there, sitting flat against the back wall with hands tightly grasping a handful of loose-fitting black pants, eyes of blood staring coldly out into the world around him.

Finally the ceremony had ended and the casket was taken to be buried in the family plot. The family all gathered in vehicles, some in limousines, to follow the depressing site of a hearse. As one by one they disappeared, only one forlorn figure was left behind as he sat with his back pressed flat against the back wall, his eyes shedding tears of sorrow and lose, arms now wrapped around his trembling body, trying to sooth his pain. A broken heart sang through the air as the wick of the candle finally burned itself out, casting a suffocating darkness over everything. Outside the small building, the heavens had opened up and cried down upon the earth as the angels sung a broken tune throughout the sky.

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Everyone had gathered in a small homely house in the middle of town to hold the after wake. Some shared storied of the one that had been lost while others sat in silence, playing their own memories of the once smiling emerald green eyes. Many comforted others and they continued to let out their pain. 

However, a small group of relatives stood in the back corner of the living room, conversing on the man's reaction to his lover's passing. All displeased with his uncaring and cold demeanor that had been displayed that morning.

"Can you believe it," one whisper to the female standing to her right, "not one tear had been shed." The other female nodded, her eyes harden with displeasure.

"I know! He didn't care that the only person who loved him had passed away." The female answered back. "And look around, do you see him anywhere? I certainly do not."

"I know. That worthless little bastard! Seems to high and mighty of himself to show some compassion for those who are mourning. He didn't even show any emotion when he found out about the cancer." The first woman had whispered back, her voice holding a hint of distaste.

"What a horrible man." The youngest of the group said as she took a sip of her water. She continued, "I know that I would be heartbroken if I ever found out that my lover was terminally ill. I would never have the strength to get out of bed. I would certainly….." she was cut off as the said 'horrible man' made his way into the room.

Everyone turned to look at the man as he pushed his way to the dining table. Eyes followed everyone move, unknowingly suffocating the one that they were all watching. The 'horrible man' walked straight up to Shiori before stopping in his tracks. He looked down at the mourning mother as she studied him, seeing right through his guise and into the torn soul within. She smiled slightly before pulling the small male into a comforting hug, whispering words into his ear. Once they pulled apart, the 'horrible man' had left for the bedroom where he proceeded to lock himself in until night fell.

Some family members had tried to coax the young male out of the room, but none had any luck. All they received as a reply was the silence of the room beyond the door. Even the male's closet friends couldn't get him to open the door, even when treats where tossed half-heartily into the air.

When everyone had gone, the mother of the deceased walked through the halls and into the back of the house. Her feet came to a sudden stop in front of the bedroom door. Her worn hands grasped the cold metal of the doorknob and turned it, only to have figured out that the door was locked. She let out a small sigh of sorrow and worries as she knocked on the wooden obstacle.

"Hiei, it's me, Shiori." Her voice sang out softly, slightly horse from her crying earlier that day. She continued, "Hiei, I know you're in there. Please…. Let me speak with you." Minutes ticked by and as Shiori turned to leave, the sound of the lock softly clicking out of place rang through the hall like an air horn.

Reaching out, Shiori opened the door and froze in the door way as she was suddenly engulfed in darkness. She ran her hand the length of the wall near the door until she found the light switch. Light filled the room as she turned the switch, allowing her to scan the room for the lover of her son. She spotted him sitting on the window seal, eyes of blood starring distantly out into the night. He sat with his back hunched over slightly with both legs pulled to his chest, one arm wrapped its way around the male's midsection.

Shiori slowly walked over to Hiei and lightly placed her hand on his shoulder, hoping to show him some kind of comfort, anything to get him to connect to the world around him once again.

"Hiei….." she began but was cut off when Hiei spoke out.

"Why? Why Shuichi? Why him?" his voice was so small and vulnerable that Shiori could fill fresh, hot tears sting at her eyes.

"I don't know…." Was her answer as she gently peeled Hiei away from the window seal and onto the bed.

"I miss him already." Hiei voiced as he allowed himself to be moved from his comfort zone to a place where he really didn't want to be, reality. "I'm….. I'm not ready…..I don't……"

Shiori's tears finally fell free as she wrapped the man in her arms, shushing him while she rubbed small circles on his back, hoping it would calm the distressed Hiei.

After several silent filled minutes, Hiei spoke once more, "What am I going to do?"

Shiori said nothing in return, knowing that everything she could say would have no effect of the man at that moment. She knew she had to give Hiei a few days to cope with reality. With a breathy sigh, Shiori tucked Hiei into bed, knowing that the man was going to be forced to do things for the next few days as he came to peace with the fact that Shuichi 'Kurama' Minamino was forever dreaming. Shiori stayed with Hiei until he fell asleep, before she herself went and got ready for bed.

All the lights distinguish in the homely house that was located in the middle of town. In one room, a man dreamed of his lover, off what he lost and what he gained. He knew in his mind that he would see his lover sooner that anyone expected but his heart could not come to terms with the passing. In the other room, a mother laid in the silent darkness, crying fresh tears of sorrow as she mourned the passing of her only son. Her broken sobs filled the air as she gave in, letting reality win. Soon, she too fell into a world where her son was still alive and where happiness ease the pain in her heart. Both mother and lover, however, dreamt of a broken reality, a place where everything seemed to be a peace, a place where everything was a lie.

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**SingMyLullabySweet666:** Well, that was the chapter. I everyone to review that way I know that people want to continue on with this story or let it go. I also would like to know if the way I portray Hiei in this version is better than the one in the old version. Thank you all for once more reading. 


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